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RRP: Is it true that you two met when Brother Ant came into your store looking for “Man Bites Dog?”
Ant: True story. One of them.
Ed: That one and the other true story that we’re actually real brothers. We’re twins. He was born two weeks before I was.
Ant: I thought we were married like the people from the White Stripes. Actually, he wanted me to get a movie from him one day when I was on a date. That is a pretty nice movie, Man Bites Dog. [laughs] He actually suggested it to me.
RRP: Isn’t that the French movie about the serial killer who has a documentary film crew following him?
Ed: Yes.
Ant: Mm-Hm. That girl went runnin’ out of my house. Before the movie was going on, actually. [laughs]
Ed: I didn’t like the girl so I suggested getting that one.
Ant: Yeah that tramp. Can we print her name?
RRP: Sure.
Ant: Nah, I forgot her name. She had a kid I never met. The kid was hot. [laughs] She could move… but uh, Brother Ed and I actually met each other before. We were jammin’ with Sister Amber at the time.
Ed: Yeah, were were a three-piece to start off.
Ant: Four pieces: you and me and her two boobs. We actually had to kick her out of the band because her breasts were distracting us. She was very beautiful.
Ed: We didn’t really boot her out we just didn’t practice, and then we got together and started writing the ultimate rock experience.
Ant: I got some trash cans that we had to build the band around. It’s built around your drum kit, Brother Ed. You had some stuff you didn’t want to throw out…
Ed: We practiced for one hour on a Wednesday, one hour on a Thursday, wrote eight songs and played out on a Friday. That is true Rock-n-Roll.
Ant: What were we called then, didn’t we have a different name? It was The Uncle Scratch’s Gospel Revival.
RRP: What made you drop the “The”?
Ant: Somebody had that name already. [laughs]
Ed: I think we were originally gonna be called Uncle Scratch’s Gospel Trio, with the two-piece.
Ant: Uncle Scratch’s Gospel Duo… we should do that.
Ed: No, Trio.
Ant: But I mean now…
Ed: With Jesus.
Ant: That doesn’t make any sense, scratch that from the tape.
RRP: So the Trio would be like the Trinity?
Ant: We just like doin’ it, just the two of us. We met, we jammed, for what? Two hours?
Ed: Yeah, we wrote 8 songs in two hours and started playin’ out.
Ant: But yeah, I did get that video from you, and people like were raping and killing each other by the end of it. Kids were on it, and then they’d kill the kid with a pillow. I really appreciate that. I appreciate you suggesting that movie, Brother Ed. On my honeymoon he suggested Schindler’s List.
RRP: I’ve read that you guys think stages are for pussy bands, so where have some of your guerilla sidewalk gigs been?
Ed: Actually we played out here once in front of Capsule. That was a scooter show and the police came and shut our show down.
Ant: They threatened to impale Brother Ed with a nightstick, but I think the police were nice enough to let us play one more song. We said “please don’t beat us with that baton.”
Ed: We dedicated that song to the Lakewood Police Department for not billy-clubbing us to death, then made sure we packed up all our equipment and left.
Ant: We also played in front of the Agora for the Reverend Horton Heat… good show. We played in front of the Beachland in late December, that was terrible show. Freezing cold. We had a percolator: that’s a good show.
RRP: Did you make any tips?
Ed: Yeah, we did pretty good. I think we did about 40 bucks.
Ant: I haven’t seen any of that money. Quote me on that.
RRP: Well, the club does take their cut.
Ant: Yeah, the club… we got a bunch of tissues.
Ed: We played the MTV Headbanger’s Ball. Godsmack was playing so we played in the parking lot.
Ant: We had the name "Devilsmack" that night.
Ed: We were yelling at the crowd and the WMMS bands.
RRP: How did that go over?
Ed: Good. It went over really well.
Ant: They liked it; it was good.
Ed: We were out there yelling through the megaphone that Godsmack sucks and nobody smacks our god around.
Ant: We haven’t got out recently, though.
Ed: Just that last one in December.
Ant: We learned. We’re done for the winter.
Ed: We played from 7:30 to 10:00 at night out in the below 20 degree weather.
Ant: We do actually prefer not to play on the stage if we do go into clubs. We’ll play off to the side somewhere, they’ll stick us by the bathrooms and we’ll play in between bands.
RRP: Is that to signify your humbleness?
Ant: Yes, that is it.
Ed: Well, we’ll let the bands that suck play on the stage… the devil worshipping bands.
RRP: So you don’t want to be revered as false idols?
Ant: Well, I wouldn’t go that far. [laughs] No, we suck and they can’t complain. What do you expect from a band by the side of the restrooms? Very little.
Ed: But then we blow ‘em away with our talent.
Ant: We like to bring our own gear, our own PA, and our own light show, which is that portable Jesus.
RRP: So how did Jesus come into your life?
Ant: What did he say? I can’t hear him. I’m losing my hearing.
RRP: How did Jesus come into your life?
Ant: Ooooohhaaaaahhhhh!
Ed: He’s always been there with us. At some point He pulled us aside and said “rock’n’roll music is in a very sad state right now. Everybody’s lovin’ the devil. I need a band to go out there and kick the devil’s ass.” That’s what it’s about. So He told Brother Ant and I to go therefore and rock, and that’s what we’ve been doing.
Ant: Being raised very Catholic, that is possible. A lot of snakes around the house. Parents were fighting with them.
Ed: We got out first megaphones at the age of four, and we used to go down to Camm’s Corner, remember that? We used to stand on the bus stop benches and preach the Word to the people? Remember that?
Ant: The devil is a pussy. Did we used to say that?
Ed: Yeah, we used to say that all the time. That’s one of my catch phrases I learned at the age of four: The devil is a pussy-ass bitch.
Ant: I think there are too many devil bands out there. That is what’s wrong with rock’n’roll. We need to purify it. Who are the big bands now? You got Led Zepplin, you got Black Sabbath…
Ed: Boy II Men
Ant: The Eagles. The devil bands popular with the kids.
Ed: It’s not easy being a Christian rock’n’roll band.
Ant: Jesus number one. Devil number two.
RRP: So where else do you see Satan lurking besides the rock’n’roll scene?
Ed: Oh God, he’s everywhere.
Ant: Women. Women!
Ed: The devil is a pussy, and pussy is the devil.
Ant: We’ve spent many days trying to bang the devil out of many Uncle Scratch groupies.
Ed: And work.
Ant: Yes, work is devil.
Ed: The U.S. government could be the devil.
Ant: Yes, the U.S. government is the devil. Walmart is the devil.
Ed: Walmart is definitely the devil. Clearly a satanic corporation that’s gonna destroy the United States.
Ant: We sent a memo to President Bush about Operation Free Walmart. It’s the next invasion. Do you work at Walmart?
RRP: Nope.
Ant: Okay then, go with that quote. We’ve insulted some Walmart people before. What other evil corporations do we have?
Ed: Clear Channel.
Ant: What else is the devil, we need one more devil.
Ed: Is booze the devil?
Ant: No booze is not the devil. Booze is a little bit of heaven.
RRP: Nobody is without sin, so what can you tell me about your sinful pasts?
Ed: I don’t know. I don’t want to speak out of line, but I think we’re flawless.
Ant: I’ve been telling women that for decades. Although I did make a sin against myself a few days ago. We have to experience temptation in order to condemn it.
Ed: Like we always say, there’s only one way to really talk about the evils of alcohol, and that is to get drunk and see what happens. You don’t want to hear somebody talking anti-drug if they don’t know what they are talking about.
Ant: We have sinned in the past, but we’re good now. I did buy a Billy Joel album in the early 80’s...
RRP: What do you think is the root cause of the rising tides of devil worship? Some say it is at its highest since the dark days of 1987 when heavy metal ruled the Earth. Why are our young people being taken in by Lucifer and his false promises?
Ed: Young people are drawn to the devil because they are weak; they are trend-followers…
Ant: Douche bags.
Ed: Yes, douchebags. It takes a lot of balls to stand up in a club full of heavy metal kids and punk rock kids and declare, as have done, that the devil is a punk-ass bitch. He licks balls.
Ant: He teabags goats.
Ed: They’re just afraid to stand up and admit the devil sucks ass.
RRP: If the devil resorts to trickery and treachery, how can we be sure that he didn’t write the bible to send us down the wrong path?
Ed: Oh Jeez...
Ant: I’ve heard that one before.
Ed: I think our interviewer is a devil worshipper! Brother Ben, are you a devil worshipper? How can you even utter those words? [punctuates the sentence with his fist on the table] Interview over! [starts to leave]
Ant: Brother Ed, what are you doing?
Ed: [returning] I was walking away for dramatic pause.
Ant: Somebody asked me this once: Is God so powerful that He could make a rock that even He couldn’t move? It’s a very tricky theological karate move.
RRP: You must have an answer.
Ant: I don’t think the devil wrote the bible.
Ed: I don’t think he wrote it because he doesn’t look too good in it.
Ant: He looks like a real jack-off.
Ed: I picture the devil as having a really small penis.
Ant: Really? Are you calling me the devil?
Ed: I don’t think the devil is clever enough to write anything like that, although he did write the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven, didn’t he?
Ant: ‘Cuz there’s a Rustle in your Headgrove. Remember that song? [sings “There’s a rustle in your headgrove.”] But to your question… that’s tricky.
Ed: I am gonna take a leap of faith and say "no."
Ant: It’s like espionage. It’s like that movie Trading Places.
Ed: I think he did write Revelations, though, with the three-headed dragon.
Ant: I thought it was the four horsemen.
Ed: No, that was Metallica.
Ant: Those guys are fucked up. The devil does work in mysterious ways, but we ain’t fallin’ for any of his shit.
Ed: You know, we’ve been accused of that haven’t we?
Ant: What? Of being devil worshippers?
Ed: When we did that show with all those Christian hardcore bands. We got up there and they said…
Ant: They said we were making fun of Jesus
Ed: I read on their BLOG afterwards that we were making fun of the devil in such a way that…
Ant: Made it us a pawn of the devil.
RRP: Ah, they thought you were being ironic.
Ed: It just didn’t make any sense to me.
Ant: They asked us if we were making fun of the devil or if we were making fun of Jesus, and we had to say no, we were making fun of them. Some would say we are making fun of ourselves. It’s very complicated.
Ed: Little Christian kids don’t like being talked to a certain way. One kid said that we sucked, and I said “what? You are gonna have to speak a little clearer because your lips are clearly wrapped around the devil’s cock.” That went over really well at the club.
Ant: When you write the work “cock” use a “c” two asterisks and a “k.”
RRP: So you object to written profanity?
Ant: Nah, actually it’ll be okay in the context of the devil.
RRP: Has anyone else gotten upset by your antics?
Ant: We have never gotten our asses kicked yet.
Ed: Yet.
Ant: After the guy from Pantera got shot we put a sign up that said “please do not shoot the talent.” Some people thought that was in poor taste.
Ed: Poor taste? It was for safety! We don’t need some fucking Pantera fan coming up and shooting us in the head.
RRP: Didn’t you have a close call with some crazy biker?
Ant: Yeah, the guy said something like “I’m not afraid of the devil, I was born in hell,” so Brother Ed said something like...
Ed: You’re not gonna be talking like that when the devil is fucking you in the ass in hell!
Ant: Luckily the guy was left speechless.
RRP: So how do you respond to those critics who say that you are just using God as a gimmick to sell records?
Ant: It is untrue. We have not sold any records.
Ed: You ask Amy Grant how many albums she’s sold. Or Stryper.
RRP: Okay, since you both represent the right and left hands of the lord, respectively, what can you tell me of His plans for the coming year?
Ed: God definitely has plans for us to win a Grammy.
Ant: That could happen. Oh wait, I thought you said “bangin’ a granny.”
Ed: [into the tape recorder] Testing for proper modulation...
Ant: I consider us men of charity and we’re always thinking about the world, so I’m hopin’ that God or Jesus, at least for this year, could produce for me an inexpensive roof quote. A cheap quote would be perfect. That’s all I’m asking. I need a roof fixed and if God can give me that, I don’t give a fuck about anybody. How about you, Brother Ed?
Ed: I can’t add anything to that. That was utter perfection, what you just uttered.
RRP: If your true love is for the Lord, how exactly do you consummate that relationship?
Ant: Damn, that's an odd one...
Ed: Our love for the Lord is not a dirty love, but a tender love.
Ant: Like the kind of love say Jerry Lee Lewis would have for his family members.
RRP: I’ve asked this question before, but you two may be the authorities on this issue. If two sides of a military conflict pray to Jesus for victory, how does He choose which one to help out?
Ed: Do we have any facts or anything to go on?
Ant: He’s talkin’ about the Civil War. You should never hope that God is on your side, you should hope that you are on God’s side. I think as long as fanatics are shooting and killing each other, we’re happy.
Ed: God is gonna bless the side with the bigger guns.
Ant: What is that you are saying? The mighty shall inherit the sword. Is that Leviticus?
Ed: Wait a minute, the meek shall inherit the earth, so the weaker side will win.
Ant: So we got the mighty in space and the sheep inheriting the meek. What’s the question again? The side that wins is the side that is closest to Jesus. Say you got the Americans and the infidels, you would have an American victory. Now if you were fighting American against American, you’d have the Pentacostals, then the Baptists, the Catholics, the Hail Bop Comet people…
RRP: The Raelians.
Ed: Jim Jones.
Ant: It is he that is closest to the Lord that wins.
RRP: And that was your hierarchy of proximity to the Lord. Who was at the top?
Ant: Your born-again pentacostals.
RRP: Alright, the Communists and the Devil: both red. Is that a coincidence?
Ed: Oohhh, no. That is perfectly in his plan.
RRP: So was the Cold War the result of Hell freezing over?
Ant: Objection!
Ed: The jury shall ignore that question.
RRP: Fair enough. Here’s one from a movie I watched as I was preparing this interview. In Wild Zero, Guitar Wolf explains that “love knows know boundaries: no nationality, no gender.” Have you ever experienced such boundless love?
Ed: I would say the Lord has definitely blessed us with hot babes.
Ant: Hot dirty monkeys. Love knows no boundaries, except we can’t bang anyone except for our girlfriends and wives. I ain’t allowed to have a threesome, how about you? Love does have boundaries.
RRP: So does an unshakable faith and unyielding piety help you to score with the babes?
Ant: Oh my god, in the early days… many women have hit on Brother Ed, unbeknownst to Brother Ed.
Ed: Really? I thought you were the one who got all the girls.
Ant: I’ve noticed all the hitting.
Ed: You see, I’m married so my motto is: It’s alright to go out and get hungry as long as you come home and eat.
Ant: Yeah, but you ate at my house the other night.
Ed: I did, didn’t I?
Ant: Cocksucker. Eat at your own house. I’m the same way. I believe in chastity. Chastity by force is a good way. Brother Ben, do you feel it? Do you feel your kahunas clamped by the women of the world? Brother Ben has kahunas his clamped!
RRP: Cupped more than clamped. So what provides you with your greatest temptation?
Ed: Women.
Ant: With one or two legs, and breasts. Ever banged an amputee?
Ed: I address the situation at live shows. I’ve said "look at that hot chick over there, Brother Ant, she has stuffed a chubby in my pants." Then it turns out to be Ant’s girlfriend and it leads to an awkward situation.
Ant: There’s a little tension there. My girlfriend’s only 15, so it’s very tense. [laughs] Brother Ed’s hitting on my underage girlfriend. So yes, women are very tempting. That, and I’d say the temptation of drink.
RRP: I thought you said that drinking was not a sin.
Ant: It’s not. It’s just very tempting. We have been tempted to go to church many times, but we fought that. I was tempted to go to Walmart too.
Ed: But they’ll never suck us into their evil corporation with their sales.
Ant: Their Depends are very cheap, not that I buy those. I just price them.
Ed: Temptation is good, though, because if you resist it, it makes you stronger.
Ant: That which does not kill you makes you gay.
RRP: Makes you gay? Really?
Ant: I read that in a magazine.
RRP: Are you coming out here in Rock N Roll Purgatory?
Ant: That’s right. Me and Brother Ed had a threesome with Jesus. That can be the name of our new CD “Uncle Scratch Comes Out… Suckin’” Okay scratch that. We’d like to be billed as the Self-Righteous Brothers, though. Is this good music? [techno music is playing at the bar]
Ed: I feel like getting a massage.
Ant: We think alike; we should go get happy endings somewhere. Brother Ben, have you ever had a happy ending over there in Warren by Youngstown? Hey, you need another drink? We’d like to state that Brother Ben is drinking the official beer of Al Qaeda. It’s North Korean Nuclear Arms beer.
RRP: My favorite drink is whatever’s available. You shouldn’t overanalyze it. So is there anything that needs to be said?
Ant: We’re looking for someone to exploit us. We’d like to sell-out.
Ed: We are the two-headed dirty beast that’s gonna bang the devil and give him AIDS.
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