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Michael Jackson: Pop Star Or Alien Deity?
My research started to get interesting upon discovering the surgeons who purportedly worked on Jackson’s reconstructions were each in some way affiliated with the Raelian cult. You may have become aware of this cult in the news recently, as they claim to have cloned as many as three human beings under their Cloanaid division (www.clonaid.com). Raël, the leader of the Raelian Movement, alleges that an extraterrestrial race, called the Elohim, used DNA and genetic engineering to scientifically create all life on Earth. With this information in mind, I attempted to interview each of Jackson’s “doctors”, but all refused to meet with me. However, this reluctance to speak publicly furthered my convictions that indeed there was some sort of nefarious connection to be made between this cult and Mr. Jackson. Indeed, as I spoke with initiates inside the cult, who prefer not to be named for safety’s sake, this relationship seemed all the more salient. One subject, hereafter referred to as “Mr. X”, made the harrowing claim that Jackson in fact had not had and plastic surgeries, and that his position in the cult was one of supreme prestige. “Our organization defers the judgements of the Great One [Mr. Jackson], and we know him to be living proof of our beliefs in an alien source DNA for our species.” During following interviews with many other adherents, each with varying degrees of disclosure and reluctance to clear up the vagaries, I was able to assemble some of the pieces in this suspicious quilt of clandestine activity. According to sources, Mr. Jackson’s altered appearance over the years results from a regressive genetic transmogrification into what they consider to be his true essence as a minor deity. He alone belongs to a strain of DNA that has remained unaltered for millennia. At the highest level of the Raelian organization, the presiding order has carefully maintained the pure aspect of their Elohim heritage through cloning. This has resulted in the maintenance of the alien source DNA, unaffected by the process of evolution and the messy swapping of gametes associated with sexual reproduction.
 So what will happen to the rest of us non-believers? According to Dr. Rankle Hammerstein, the Raelian scholar at Harvard University, “we will be forced to pin our hopes on NASA some day locating the Pleasure Planet amidst the vast sprawl of the universe.” But has NASA even taken this on as part of their agenda? While officials there deny any such project, defectors from the institution have disclosed documents that show funds being allocated to a Top Secret proposal for something called “Operation Homeward Sanctity.” Still, officials refrain from comment. “Only the rich will be able to afford the trip to Heaven if NASA does find our celestial domain,” says Mr. X, “so the common man’s hopes still lie in the acceptance and devotion to Michael Jackson as the messiah.” Feel skeptical? So does Dr. Hammerstein. “Not thirty years ago people thought the same thing about Elvis, with his perpetual bloating and sequined jumpsuits, but nothing came of that either. We were left not only to mourn his passing, but also the passing of our dreams, our desperate hopes of salvation, our pathetic aspirations toward eternal bliss. We were left... to die alone.” It seems adoring fans are all too willing to pin their eternal hopes on the celebrity persona of their choice. Yet such cynicism is unlikely to deter people like Mr. X, who says he’s only ever wanted to be like Mike. – BL
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Really Cold-Blooded Assassin?
Alda’s connection to organized crime goes back to the late 1940’s, when as an ambitious young hoodlum he would run numbers for small-time thug Jimmy “The Swan” Cansinella. Later he moved up the ranks, eventually clipping the wings Jimmy the Swan and taking over his territory. “You never seen such ruthlessness. Even his friends were afraid of dos’ empty eyes, cold... like they was moon rocks or somethin’. It was as if the curtains went down on the person you was talkin’ to, and a real savage animal took the stage,” recalls Vinnie “The Invertebrate” Marcone. “One time I watched ‘im whack ‘is cousin Paulie “The Mouth” Hanlon jus’ fer chewing too loudly at the dinner table. Dem’s was some crazy times.” Mr. Alda was later drafted and sent to Korea, where he was a special operative sent on top secret missions deep into northern territory. Some say he had made himself a skin suit stitched together from his numerous kills, thus enabling him to move more freely behind enemy lines. When Corporal Ryan “The Nose” Woodson asked him about such rumors, Alda reportedly went berserk and nearly murdered him, leading to subsequent psychiatric evaluations and a short stint in the clink. When he arrived back home, apparently this insane temper flared in the bedroom also, claims ex-swimsuit model and first wife Vanessa “The Finch” Vermicelli. “He would make me dress up like Cleopatra then punish me for the fall of Rome.” It was through Vanessa that Alda made his first Hollywood connections. It seemed that acting diverted his violent psychoses as he delved deeper into his TV and movie roles. Those who have known Mr. Alda his whole life say that for the entire duration of M*A*S*H he never once broke character, and severed ties to the criminal underworld almost completely. And yet, these illicit connections were always just under the surface, waiting to reel him back in like a fish caught on the hook of destiny. Even his most popular character’s nickname: “Hawkeye,” was his mafia moniker alluding to his specialty in sniper-like hits on rival gangsters. After the series ended, friends say an identity crisis ensued. What small territory that he had controlled before getting the acting bug had since had been cut loose in his absence. He had no choice but to take up contract work for John Gotti, who later described him as “one sadistic mutherf--ker.” It was this period of his life where he battled most fervently with his dilapidated conscience, trying again and again to leave the life and become a better man. He started seeing a psychiatrist, Dr. Nicholas “The Shrink” Barboni and volunteering at homeless shelters to offset his criminal actions. He even started to go to church. Recalls Reverend Norman “The Clothe” Spiker: “Alan sure can sing the gospel... and dance, oh Lord, you should see that skinny bastard dance!” But Alda remained unable to dance his way out of Gotti’s empire until the notorious kingpin was convicted and later incarcerated. This enabled Mr. Alda to leave and start work with PBS on Scientific American Frontiers, where his once vibrant criminal energies are now funneled into the pursuit of knowledge. Alan Alda’s public image has finally merged with the reality of the man, and only his checkered past remains to haunt him the rest of his days. – BL |
Our Monkeys are trained in the art of kama sutra and erotic massage. Their zeal and stamina is unmatched by any Homo Sapien. Afterwards they will simply climb out the window and vanish into the night, so as to avoid uncomfortable morning-after interactions.
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Behind the Scenes Loomed The first thing we uncovered through our extensive research is that Betty White (a.k.a. Rose) abandoned her daughter when the little girl was only 10. That daughter went on to have a troubled adolescence filled with strange men, drugs, and sadness, only to years later pull herself together and become a superstar known to the world as “Blondie.” Deborah Harry refuses to talk about her mother and the abandonment that forced her to work as a street performer in Key West until tourists from Michigan finally adopted her. This family was kind but strict, often making her work on their dairy farm for 12 hours a day. Even now Ms. White hasn’t tried to mend that broken relationship with her poor daughter, preferring instead to smoke pot with her latest boyfriend, O.J. Simpson, and collect firearms for a final shootout with the government. Estelle Getty (a.k.a. Sophia) was no princess either. She was a renowned nymphomaniac obsessed with Caribbean boys and contraband cigars. The big joke around the set when she turned missing was to say that she’s off somewhere with her lips around a Cuban. The situation became so dire that she checked herself into a mental hospital in 1987. Feeling cured of her sexual compulsions, she was released two months later, only to return again the next year. And then there is Bea Arthur (a.k.a. Dorothy), who was purportedly involved in drug trafficking and witchcraft. The C.I.A. had long been investigating her relations with Pablo Eskabar, but her high-powered attorneys always succeeded in keeping her face out of the papers and her ass out of court. As for the black magic, numerous anecdotal tales from friends of friends paint a picture of a woman well-versed in the dark arts, and quite willing to harness the power of the night towards personal gain. She reportedly drinks the blood of kittens in a quest for eternal life, and has placed numerous curses on the people who cross her. Perhaps the only Golden Girl without sin was the one who actually played the wanton hussy on the show: Rue McClannahan (a.k.a. Blanche). She was infamous for not getting along with the other cast members, which she derided as “perverts” and “witches.” It is unlikely that she fully knew how true those statements actually were. It has been more than a decade since the Golden Girls were cancelled, and all have popped up in various other shows, movies, and plays. All except for Rue, that is...
 So why are these allegations surfacing just now, so many years later? Could it all be lies? Lewis Pratman, President of Bea With Me, a Bea Arthur fan organization, claims that these accusations are outright falsehoods perpetrated to slander this towering geriatric goddess. Instead, he suggests that the murder was pulled off by Betty, the only one among them cunning and evil enough to enact such violence, he claims. According to this version of the crime, a dope-sick Betty came to Rue’s apartment asking for money to get another fix. Rue refused, and so Betty, in her anger, transformed into a heinous creature twisted with a raging blood-thirst who murdered the poor lady without remorse. Such a bold claim would seem unsubstantiated... and until forensic scientists investigate further, we will have to nervously await the conclusion to this sordid tale. The one supposed eye-witness to the event mysteriously turned up missing in 1998, and police interrogators have not yet been able to question the only two suspects with motive and opportunity (i.e. Bea and Betty). We on the editorial staff of Rock N Roll Purgatory only hope that justice will finally be meted out in this case, and that the family can finally know what really happened to their golden gal. |
