It started with my meeting with Bill Claken, president of a subversive Wisconsin club called “The Green Bay Pikers.” It was he who detailed the procedure and gave me my first fish to experiment with at home. However, I should note that most of the more experienced pikers prefer to catch their own fish, as they are able choose the one that best fits their needs. Technically, most people use a variety of pike called the Eastern Pickerel, a smaller fish preferred by all but the most seasoned pikers. Mr. Claken also demonstrated the banding technique utilized to avoid bites from the large canine teeth of these purported pleasure creatures.

The idea is to keep the living fish in water until the erotic interlude is to be achieved by inserting it firmly into the rectum during masturbation – until only the tail remains exposed. This “jam and wiggle procedure” is indeed an awkward activity that requires some practice. The awkwardness of my first efforts were truly comical. Once inside, the frantic flopping of the dying fish leads to prostate stimulation and a greatly enhanced orgasm, to the point that some equivocate it to a revolution in sensual euphoria. This can also be done during conventional intercourse with an open-minded partner, and has become a favored request at many Thailand brothels. In general, the idea is to remove the fish before it dies, presumably so it can be used again in the future, but often the frenzied deviant finds he has not climaxed quick enough to save his slippery partner from asphyxiation.

The Grim Facts of The Piking Procedure

Oh sweet Roger, my gorgeously gilled gallant
Flap those fabulous fins, smooth scales that taunt
If through water and wishes thy mouth could speak
Wouldst thou profess thyself ever mine to keep?

Then I would tear up the poem into small slivers that resembled flaky fish food, and sprinkle them into his water like delicate snow on a placid pond. You should have seen Roger devour my words like a starving conquistador too long parted from the sustenance of his lover’s kiss. His eyes would beam with an implied comprehension of my gesture, and dare I say, a shimmer of gratitude. I fed him on poems for weeks. We would stare at each other for hours at a time through the glass tank, until finally we could stand it no longer, and our bodies flung themselves at each other. From our separate realms of wind and water we united in a hurricane of passion.

Roger, however, did eventually succumb to the intense suffocation of our emotions. I cried as I gently extracted him for the last time, then buried him in a heart shaped box near a blossoming dogwood tree. I remember the rain on that day; a cold rain that felt like it would never end. I think Roger would have liked that.

I have relayed this story to you out of duty to my journalistic ethos, and to convey the extremity of this psychological affliction. Even now I am unable to decide whether what Roger and I had was high romance, or the product of an unnatural lust with crippling emotional repercussions. Such ambivalence ought to make clear the powerful effects of this new piking lifestyle – one that seems alarmingly difficult to combat.

Many groups have stood up against this recreational insanity from the beginning, and for a variety of reasons. Animal rights activists are concerned with this trend’s rising popularity, asserting that fish suffocating in anal cavities is both abnormal and unethical. “It’s a horrific way to meet your fate,” says Hugh Pellson of PETA, who adds that the crisis has already exceeded the devastation of the gerbil craze of a few years ago. Piscine insertions have now garnered such attention and frequency that a snide new term has arisen in the activist vernacular: “Anuside.” While many snicker at the thought of such activities, authorities are taking this very seriously, allegedly in the interest of public health. A few suspected salmonella cases had cropped up after an Alan Jackson concerts in Illinois & Indiana. Many religious lobby groups have also formed to try and get new laws on the books to prevent piking (although the Mormons have been eerily silent on the issue). The method of enforcement of these proposed bans remains a problematic issue, and the constitutionality of the ongoing raids has been challenged in many courts. Pikers have answered their critics citing that the fish need not die from the activity, and suggested pamphlets be distributed detailing the proper technique as an alternative to the legislative persecution. Already many known pikers have been booted from the Boy Scouts, and several employers are requiring periodic physicals that include probing for piscine residue.

Fishermen are also concerned about over-fishing and unsavory “throwbacks” that no one will want to eat. However there may be a new market if the fad persists. Proponents of the activity point to the fiscal success of already established piking communities at many private lakes.

While such ludicrous carnal delights have spiced up many of my dull evenings, I am now undergoing therapy to purge myself of this corrupted desire. Support groups such as “Turnpikers” have been sprouting up across the States, as many others have experienced similar guilt. Most people in such groups, however, have been required to attend after being arrested in police raids at known flophouses. Will society recover from this scourge of perversion, or are we doomed to continue on the downward spiral. What could possibly be next? This is one reporter who does not want to find out.