Amidst the headlines of the currently tumultuous and violent world that we live in, it becomes infinitely more difficult to keep sight of the true issues at hand. What the media and government doesn’t want you to know can easily put you into the greatest of dangers. They would like you to think that the Sasquatch represents a relic of folklore to be easily dismissed by critical thinkers as a product of simple or delusional minds. They will suggest to you that the millions of believers are actually naïve and gullible folks that have been sucked into a complex hoax pulled off by conniving practical jokesters. This misinformation leaves the public at large vulnerable to a cultural invasion perpetrated by these allegedly “mythical” beasts. As I pen these words, legions of Sasquatch are infiltrating our society and committing unspeakable acts of moral transgression. Bureaucrats and lawmakers in Washington D.C. fear that this unfettered information will cause widespread panic and lead to an ensuing state of anarchy. Someone has to take up the slack, however, and become active against these raging beasts bent on the complete domination of our great nation. That person might as well be me.

The Bigfoot are among us. Lurking. Breeding. Creeping through our streets and supermarkets, ready to overtake civilization. They have adapted, survived and assimilated to our culture in an effort to destroy it from within. Sasquatch are full of hate and have no real souls, just grinding hearts of malice beating within their hairy chests. Far from the peace-loving gentle giants portrayed by Hollywood propaganda in Harry and the Hendersons, they instead crave a return to nomadic stone-age way of life, including the extermination of technology entirely. Theodore Kaczynski, the famed “Unabomber,” was perhaps their most notable proponent of the Sasquatch bargain bin philosophy; having been converted by their teaching as he lived isolated in the Montana wilderness. There is even speculation that he is actually a half-breed sasquatch himself, descended from a most heinous union of interspecies lust. Personally, I am not taking a position in that argument, as its regressive nature takes away from the forward-thinking activism I advocate. However, I do feel that a little background is necessary in understanding this threat to our freedoms, homes, and way of life.



Snapshots to the Left:
Few people understand the Urban Sasquatch’s obsession with cleanliness. These snapshots taken at a Laundromat in Lansing Michigan give a rare glimpse into how fully these animals have adapted to civilization. It is often suggested in scholarly journals that this obsessive cleanliness stems from feelings of inadequacy as they desperately try to fit into human society. However, archaeologists are quick to point out the impeccable order of their rudimentary forest dwellings for centuries. Nevertheless, this trait clearly illuminates their anal-retentive psychology that makes them so easily provoked.
Sasquatch, or more commonly, Bigfoot, have historically been known for their ability to move virtually undetected for centuries. What is less common knowledge is that these foraging omnivores long ago made an alliance with the rural Amish, who continue to provide safe haven for these loathsome creatures. Again, suspicions of intermarriage abound, compounding the dilemmas of sorting out who is, and who is not, a Bigfoot.

Later on in the history of these animals we see them utilized by the criminal elements of our own society. During Prohibition, Sasquatch were on the payrolls of many liquor-running gangsters. Their talents for covert existence made them ideal for employment as smugglers, and many became instrumental in sneaking liquor across the Canadian border. This was the beginning of a long-standing relationship between the Sasquatch community and organized crime. Even today, they frequently make their livings as muscle for loan sharks and bookies, as ruthless contract hitmen, and even as cultivators of illicit drugs such as cannabis sativa.

Snapshot to the Right:
Here we catch the Urban Sasquatch refueling his pick-up truck. Note the Penguins jersey and hat. Having migrated into the U.S. from the North, these ill-tempered beasts have long been fanatical over this violent sport. Note also the menacing pose indicating bodily threat to the brave photographer - who then narrowly escaped with his life. It is safest to film these heinous creatures from a distance & without their awareness.
Sasquatch Watch is formed to keep tabs on this constituency of the modern criminal element. Together we will band together to have our voices heard. We seek to expose, document, and ultimately to contain the activities of the contemporary North American Bigfoot. Currently, they are stealing our jobs, corrupting our youth with Communist lies, and even engaging in the destruction of public roadways. Yes, these inconceivably villainous creatures have been linked to a speculated whopping 60% of highway potholes. Still, nothing has been done about this problem. This must change.


Above Photo: This picture captures an Urban Sasquatch engaging in a verbal skirmish with protesters in front of a porn shop in Wooster, Ohio. Recent studies have shown that the Bigfoot population disproportionately supports the porn industry as consumers of erotica. Their insatiable appetites for rapturous, crude sex has been suggested as the cause of their antisocial behaviors. It is this feral lusting that precludes them from useful service to proper society.

Eventually, they will be able to make their way into government, seize the military, and level every God-fearing domicile in the New World. I can see them now, smirking like hateful devils at our eventual demise. For now, I must declare the Sasquatch Watch mission to bring these facts to the public arena. From there, debate over how to handle the crisis can be discussed openly and intelligently. Possibilities for future policies include the implantation of tracking devices into known sasquatch offenders to monitor their movements, establishing Bigfoot reservations, and/or perhaps even forced sterilization of these monsters that threaten democracy. But first, awareness is the key issue, so recent sightings of the urban sasquatch shall be documented with each successive issue of this magazine. These pictures illuminate the truth behind my allegations, and show the diversity of roles the Bigfoot has assumed, seemingly without notice. Beware. Be very aware. - BL

Above Photo: The inevitable spoils of a life marked by indecency, sin, and substance abuse are all too plain to see here. The Bigfoot males choose bars that are likely to have hairy female patrons with loose morals. The pictured drunken sasquatch probably arose about an hour later, covered in puke, and went to terrorize a nearby sorority.