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Ask a 13th Century Catholic Bishop
Get Advice from Bishop Penithor IV of Gaul,
My boyfriend and I have been going together for 6 months, and up until now he has been respectful of my reluctance to have sex due to our mutual reverence for our Lord and Savior. Lately, though, he has been insisting that anal sex is not forbidden by God, and therefore will not cast our souls into the Second Circle of Hell to be forever whirled about by a dark, stormy wind in a raging tempest of agony. Is this true?
Signed,
Dear SLUT,
It doth bear upon my ears with burdensome sadness, and burn mine own eternal soul with ignoble shame to hear the lecherous schemes enacted upon your virtue. Your boyfriend, in keeping with his reprobate nature, has entreated you to betray the will of God and join him in communion with the Great Enemy. Such is the blasphemer’s unholy boldness which uses the craft of reason to ensnare you; that you might lose wit of your purity and be flushed into the immoral sewers through which the most debased criminals wash away from Grace toward that special ring of Hell reserved for libertines and perverts. Canst thou profess to love the one and only true Lord of All Created, and still be contemplative of mounting a sacrilege, to plummet even the second most holy of holes? To allow the entry of corruption to where foulness and impurity are purged? Would God accept your filthy soul after this compromise of His Laws, even after severe penance was endured by your puny body, the very looking glass of your wilted spirit? Take heed and want not the discomfort of carnal sin, and abdicate from this evil endeavor forthwith.
I am 8 years old and my big sister says that there is a monster that lives under my bed, and it will eat me if I tell mom and dad about her sneaking out at night to make X-rated fetish films. She made me swear not to tell, but I am not sure what to do. Are monsters real?
Signed,
Hello BOYMEAT,
Perish you shall by the fangs of vengeance if ye breach your sworn word and violate your sister’s holy trust. Why do little boys always think they can blab all they want and God will not punish them? Indeed monsters ARE real, and they lurk under beds and in shadows, waiting for little boys to break promises and hearts held true. Once they catch the scent of betrayal, no longer lives the wretched rogue. Pain will embrace him closely with a hostile grasp and ruinous bonds, and the boy betrayer awaits great doom.
Prithee well dear Bishop! As Ruler of the Kingdom of Saxony, upheld by divine right and blood of the royal lineage, I inquire wherefore must I abdicate my throne upon the behest of papal authority. Why should I accede to any higher sovereignty than that by which I was granted mortal life and the parlous privilege of supreme regency? On what foundation was the Dictatus papae, wrought upon Christendom in 1075 by Gregory VII, built to sustain Rome’s power through the seditious abatement of mine own?
Signed,
Dear SCUM,
As the enlightened representative of His Excellency, the Pope, who hath been appointed through divine providence by the Originator of All Things, I command your deference in all matters on behalf of His Holiness. It is wisdom; none can gainsay it, for there is no greater crime than heresy against the Lord’s own edicts. Thine punishment shall exceed the bounds of human law if thou further disrupt the order of nature as reflected in the Church’s mandates. For deposing and renunciation of all sovereignty are but the prelude to the many ills that shall befall you in the event that you continue to challenge papal supremacy. Your everlasting soul will be expunged from God’s watchful eye and cast into the shadows of the underworld. There you shall suffer eternal agony befitting to Sins of the Lion within the City of Dis in the Sixth Circle of Hell. Deep in those slimy pits of pain and anguish your soul’s shadow will slowly be erased. Be wary of the path upon which thou tread, wanton usurer and disrupter of God’s phylogenic schemes.
Being contemporary to the 13th century, how is it that you are able to do an advice column for a 21st century publication? And don’t you find it to be a sacrilegious publication at that? I mean, Rock N Roll Purgatory... what a putrid pile of pud-rubbing heresy balled up into an unreadable mass of congealed spunk. What the hell kind of Bishop art thou? I hope you get excommunicated then eaten in exile, you sickening hypocrite!
Signed,
Dear FAG LICK,
Your insolence is paralleled only by your weakness of spirit. Such arrogance and insubordination colors your words with a hideous shade of damnation that your bedeviled eyes cannot unveil. Regardless, and through none but mine own magnanimity, shall I divulge the answers to your crude inquiries. Indeed I am long dead, but in body only. I am able to communicate with the living through spiritual communion with the editors of Rock N Roll Purgatory, who thereby transcribe my wisdom for those inhabiting your secular and forsaken age. I have chosen this magazine for its ability to reach the lowliest scum and possibly save them from eternity spent in hell, which incidentally is where your detestable soul is destined to burn like an Irishman lying dead drunk in the Sahara desert. Oh how thine skin will sizzle with the burn of divine punishment! Ooooh, how delicious it sounds as the flaming fingers of Satan squeeze out your life juices!
Why is it that your advice to everyone results in them being prescribed to hell for not agreeing with your views? Do you have a God-complex, or are you just an asshole? And what’s with the feeble attempt to sound archaic, you idiotic fraud?
Signed,
Like ye not my proclamations? For sooth, it beseemeth that I should beseech you not to seek the Lord’s guidance, as your spirit is immutably lost to the forces of evil and corruption. In such a case as this, the right course of action in the disbursement of expedient advice is to simply say: Trod hastily upon your road to Hell, wicked scoundrel!!!
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