Bishop Penithor

Sells Salvation!

Indulgences are the answer
for the penitent sinner on the go.

As you may already know, the Catholic Church during the Middle Ages would sell Indulgences to raise money. These Indulgences were ways for sinners to pay someone else to atone for their sins. To be fully forgiven of a sin, a person must make reparations in this life or in the next (Purgatory). However, Bishops could sell Indulgences representing the good works and charitable acts of the church, which would substitute for the temporal punishment that the sinner would normally had to do himself in order to demonstrate his repentance. Purchasers would get a certification from the church to prove that they had received absolution. They bought their way out of Purgatory.

It is a wonderful system they had going on until Martin Luther came along and pooped on the party. Still, as a Bishop of Rock'N'Roll, I think my good deeds in the service of Rock over the years should be sold to those who have committed offenses against Rock'N'Roll. I've taken a virtual vow of poverty as I ran a small record label and zine, booked shows, written articles, housed bands, and countless other selfless acts in service of this higher power. Now I am going to bank on those good deeds and sell them to those who have sinned against Rock'N'Roll. And I'm not going to stop there, either. I am going to sell Indulgences covering traditional sins as well, since I've done other kinds of charitable acts over the years too. I'm really quite a wonderful person.

Let my good actions benefit YOU! Buy your symbolic absolution from me, and if you don't get into heaven when you die, I'll refund your money in full. You'll get no guarantee like this anywhere else, so don't delay! This is only while supplies last. Once my good deed surplus dwindles, I will be forced to restrict sales. So BUY NOW!

What you will receive: You will be mailed official documentation printed on fancy paper with a real ink jet printer and endorsed by Bishop Penithor himself! This certificate serves as bona fide proof of spiritual atonement for the remorseful sinner. Act now to preserve your soul!




Worshipping False Idols
With the exception of Lemmy.

Limited Time Sale!

ONLY $2

Failure to Observe the Sabbath
Either working on Sunday,
or never having gone to see Black Sabbath.

As Advertised in Better Homes and Gardens!

ONLY $2

Greed

I want a lot of money for this one.

$200

Touching Oneself
in an Impure Manner

Contact us about bulk discounts.

ONLY $4

Touching Thy Neighbor’s Wife
in an Impure Manner

Get It While You're Hot!

ONLY $5

Run-of-the-mill Sodomy
Yes, it is still a sin in this day and age.
The modern church is flexible,
but it won't bend over for sodomy.

This One's Moving Fast!

ONLY $2

Sodomy with a Goat
Anyone but Steve Gutenberg.
I don't know if he's into it or not,
but he gets a free pass.

Limited Time Sale

ONLY $5

Gluttony
Seriously, dude. That shit is whack.

Limited Time Sale

ONLY $10

Sloth
Being a Worthless Bucket of Cock Vomit.

Limited Time Sale

ONLY $10

Looking Like Sloth
From the Goonies. While not technically a sin,
you probably do think God hates you.

Limited Time Sale

ONLY $3

Selfishness In Bed
Also not technically a sin, but I've been a generous
lover frequently enough to make up for your slack.
Show this to your lady friend next time she complains!

While Supplies Last!

ONLY $7





Saying On Stage:
 "How’s Everybody doing tonight?"
That is the reason God smote Great White.

On Special!

ONLY $20

Saying On Stage:
 "How’s Everybody doing tonight?"
Followed by: “I caaan’t heeear yoouuu!”
May the Devil Rape your Soul in Hell.

A Smart Buy!

ONLY $40

Covering Folsom Prison Blues
Just admit you're out of ideas.
God will still love you.

Try and Beat this Price Anywhere!

ONLY $15

Thanking God in your Liner Notes.
Did you also thank God when your grandma died?

Bargain Alert!

ONLY $10

Trying to Look Tough in Press Photos.
Actual coolness is inversely proportional to how cool you think you are.

A Real Steal!

ONLY $25

Pogoing without sunglasses
Everyone knows that you need sunglesses to pogo or else you look like a douche.

First Time Available in the U.S.!

ONLY $2

Playing an Exceedingly Long Set
The Gods of Rock'N'Roll have short attention spans.

Limited to Two Per Customer.

ONLY $6

Spending More Time on your
Hair and Clothes than Your Songs.
This is helpful if you work foremost on cultivating your look and rockstar moves instead of making interesting songs. There's nothing wrong with having a look, but if it receives more attention than your music, you need to get on your knees and beg forgiveness for your grossly contrived superficiality.

For the Pandering Scenester Who has Everything!

ONLY $30

Demanding Drinks from the Stage
Especially if you expect the audience to buy them for you.

Makes the Perfect Gift For the Obnoxious
Wannabe Rockstar in Your Life!

ONLY $6





Speaking During the
Cool Parts of a Song.
This one should be obvious, man. Don't talk during that bitchin' guitar solo, or that part with the badass drum fill! This one can also be customized to atone for when someone plays you a meaningful song and you won't shut the hell up.

ONLY $5

Illegally Downloading Songs.

Up to 200,000 songs

Get Rid of the Filesharing Guilt!

A Steal at $10

Buying T-shirts of bands you never listened
to in order to appear cool.
People actually do this, and if it is you or someone you love,
you'll want to snatch up this ecclesiastical pardon pronto.

Limited Time Sale!

ONLY $5

Listening to Bob Seger, Kiss, Good Charlotte,
or any other band that I think really sucks balls.
People have asked me if I truly think God will punish those who support bands
that I can't stand, and the answer is: "Fuck yeah I do."

Pardon Your Bad Taste!

ONLY $5

Drinking Wine Coolers.
Who the hell listens to rock'n'roll and drinks wine coolers?

Comes with Inspirational Photo of Someone's Balls!

ONLY $5

Buying Already Faded Jeans.
What's next? Already worn out tires for your car?
Already skidmarked underwear at twice the price?
Just because you want to be rock'n'roll
doesn't mean you have to be an idiot.

For the Same Price as Designer Jeans!

ONLY $80

Sporting a "Faux-hawk"
Even REAL mohawks are mostly for mall dorks these days, but the faux-hawk represents the even more cutesy middle-class poser subspecies.

Now in 3 Different "Punk Rock" Colors!

ONLY $5

Flashing the Devil Horns
Or the Shocker.
 Who hasn't done this in a photo when they were drunk? Still, it should not be done in more than 5 photos in your entire life. If you are currently over the limit, you need this divine dispensation. Prices will go up as demand increases, so act fast!

Gives Immunity for up to 3 Years!

ONLY $3



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